My Precious Child,
I have some moonlight revelations... truths revealed to me just now as I sat outside bathed in the twinkling stars of our Lord's teachings. Little lights sparkling His wisdom into my heart.
What were they, you ask me? They were these:
I was grieving and mourning the lost and broken dreams for motherhood. Oh, the grand dreams I held onto! I was thinking on all of the things I didn't do right since your arrival on this earth... of all the ways I have failed you and failed the Creator Who blessed our life with you. My spirit sank as I reflected on what I've missed even while trying to savor every drop of beauty in raising you.
For every dream that has come true... there has been a dream to never be. For every tear of happiness... there has been a tear of pain. For every success there has been a failure and during times the failures far outweighed the gains.
God allowed me these.
It isn't to be that I should be able to capture any little kiss I ever didn't give...or that I should grasp any hug I might have missed along the way. It cannot be that I can take back any harsh word or too stern correction. I may not regain any loss of control with my temper when maturity had not yet set in.
If I was a perfect mother... where, child, would you ever learn of God's forgiveness? If I were the perfect mother... perhaps you would try to be perfect as well and become in the habit of living by law instead of grace.
Our Savior and Lord knew that for me to do a perfect job in mothering you would equal robbing you of Him --- oh, I'd rather you have Him and and nothing than everything and not Him! When it all came down to it... the ONLY way to everything good, pure, beautiful, strong, wise, and right is through Him!
This all knowing Father knew that there were lessons I could only teach you after failing or succeeding at them myself. He knew that there were lessons I must learn from you and that takes humility instead of pride. Had I never faced failure I would have thought I was doing too well of a job to ever listen to your side of the story, your feelings, thoughts, and beliefs on things.
For every time I let you down I have a desire to lift you up. For every time I was preoccupied I have this need to really focus on you. For every thing I didn't do there are a thousand things I want to now and for every moment I ever missed there are beyond thousands I long to cherish.
I pray you will forgive me for being quicker to notice your faults than I am at praising your virtues. I also pray that from this day on... I will be more mindful...more aware of the role I have in your life so that it remains the priority God intended for it to. It is a dear dream to be every, every, every thing to you that your wondrous Savior intended. He placed you in the care of your dad and I so He will equip us with all we need to raise you in the righteousness He calls us to. We still won't be flawless (especially me) and there will be confessions said in true repentance when we falter. I'm ever learning that repenting cleanses the soul and the conscious. The Holy Spirit will guide us through these.
I love you and I love the you God is making you every day...
Your imperfect but ever-trying mother:)
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