updated 02-02-06
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YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 WHEN......
1. You accidentally
enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have email addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone
in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get
an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies!!!
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11:00 news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30
(or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around and go get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
19 You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. |
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
One: Don't miss the boat.
Two:
Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your! future on high ground.
Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten:
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. |
You Gotta Love Kids
Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was
asked
to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
A four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman
who
had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy
went
into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little
boy
said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
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Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a
family.
One little boy in the picture had a different color hair than the other
family members. One child suggested that he was adopted. A little girl
said, "I know all about adoptions because I was adopted." "What does it
mean to be adopted?" asked another child. It means," said the girl,
"that
you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy."
********************************************************
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor
looked down her ears with an Otto scope, he asked, "Do you think I'll
find Big
Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a
tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think
I'll
find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her
heart
beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the
little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my
underpants."
************************************************************
On my way home one day I stopped to watch a Little League baseball game
that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the
bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score
was.
"We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile." Really," I
said.
"I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Discouraged?" the boy
asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged?
We
haven't been up to bat yet.
********************************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about
little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play.
His
mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared
he
would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her
to
collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with
pride
and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words
that will remain a lesson to me............................ "I've been
chosen to clap and cheer."
**********************************************
An Eye Witness Account from New York City, on a cold day in December
some
years ago: A little boy about 10 years old was standing before a shoe
store
on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering
with
cold. A lady approached the boy and said, "My, but your in such deep
thought staring in that window!" "I was asking God to give me a pair of
shoes," was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand and went
into
the store and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the
boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.
He
quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back
part of
the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet,
and
dried them with a towel. By this time the clerk had returned with the
socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of
shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.
She
patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, you will be more comfortable
now".
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and
looking
up into her face........ with tears in his eyes, asked her
"Are you God's Wife?"
I received this over email... it's almost too true... sad and pathetic to be funny, but I did laugh
out loud at some of the titles---only because they so epitomize the "church" today. "In support of the new TNIV translation of the Bible, we are proud to release a new hymnal for churches that are changing their pew Bibles out to the new TNIV. The new hymnal, entitled "The Modern Evangelical Hym/Hernal" will be releasing shortly. The Politically Correct Hymnal was originally going to be called "The Modern Evangelical, Dispensational, Postmodern, Antinomian, Arminian, Gnostic, Middle Knowledge, Open Theistic, Non Denominational, Politically Correct Hymnal," but we felt we may have left some people out... "Some of the fine classic hymns hand selected and rewritten for today's modern evangelical churches include...
- Amazing Choice
- How Great I Art
- When the Saints Go Retreating Back
- When We ALL Get to Heaven
- All Hail the Power of My Name
- Some of the Way, My Savior Leads Me
- Some to Jesus I Surrender
- And Can It Be, That I Should Earn
- Before Thee God, Who Knowest Some
- Blessed Possibility
- O Come All Ye Faithless
- Eternal Father Weak to Save
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- We May Be Moved
- OK Is Your Faithfulness
- I Surrender Some
- It Is Swell With My Soul
- Backward Christian Soldiers
- Take My Life and Let Me Be
- The Lord is My Shepherd, I Always Want
- The New Hand Polished Cross
(old and Rugged seemed so ...
old and rugged sounding)
- There is a Bomb In Gilead
- Tis So Sweet to Trust in Me
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For many Methodist and PCUSA Churches we included...
- She Leadeth Me
- She Lives She Lives
- She Will Hold Me Fast
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And by popular demand, we have included a personal favorite... "I Did It My Way"
We even included many of the popular modern worship choruses ... and best of all, we didn't have to change the words! |
| PS: Thank you for your interest in the new "Modern Evangelical Hym/Hernal." |
Sincerely,
Fanny Wormwood
Zonderban Publishing"
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Womanly Truisms
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
- Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
- Perhaps you know why women over sixty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
- I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
- Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
- Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
- You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
- I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
- Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
- It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
- Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.
- The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
- Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
- Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
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Top Ten Signs You're in for a Long Sermon
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler. 9. The pews have camper hookups. 8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon. 7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit. 6. The preacher breaks for an intermission. 5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus. 4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet. 3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys. 2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY SERMON
The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl"
but it's only November!
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A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOUR FOR PATIENTS
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR’S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
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 A friend sent me these.... 20 Email Funnies
1. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
2. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was,
she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
4. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
5. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
6. And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
7. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him.... Is he still wrong?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
11. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
12. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
14. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
15. Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
16. Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
17. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
18. Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
19. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
20. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
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